Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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