Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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