last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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