I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
