in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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