I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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