I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
