You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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