i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Say something about gay babies.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
