Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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