I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
