awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
