Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
