i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
