Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
