Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
