You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
