508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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