he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
