I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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