What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
