I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
