You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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