i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
