I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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