i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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