I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
