Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My breasts were aching with rage.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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