Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
