I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
