1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
