i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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