Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize
