i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
