You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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