i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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