I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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