I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
