every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
