woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
