Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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