I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
