I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
