Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
