Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
