im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
A bitchslap is in order.
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