You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
