I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
