she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
This house was built for laser tag.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
