Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
