Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
