i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
