I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
