Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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