I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
