The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
