Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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