Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
