Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm sobbing to NWA
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
