it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
