I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
