paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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