we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
