his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
